So, I have been doing quite a bit of thinking...I blame it all on this new Bible study (really, it's a book study) we started here in Aberdeen (thanks, RO!). It's based on the tongue and a book called "Words that Hurt, Words that Heal" by Carole Mayhall. It is tiny and takes about 5 minutes to read a chapter, which suits me just fine. I figured I'd feel bad about gossip, etc, but I wasn't expecting such conviction so early on.
Here's the deal, I don't think I realized how ferocious my words can be. I am easily frustrated and brought to impatience by everyday things. Having 2 young children has only made this worse. My words can be sharp and last week, Rebekah even asked me, "Mommy, why are you mad at me?" I cried then and I am crying as I type it. I asked her forgiveness because I actually wasn't mad at her, but obviously my impatience about whatever I was upset about was obvious. "From the abundance of the heart, so the mouth speaks" (Matt 12:34)...evidently, I have some issues in my heart. I have been prayerfully trying to pinpoint them and they are these:
-I am prone to make comparisons that end up unfavorably towards me
-I expect things to go well and am disappointed when they do not
-I want my children to be happy at all times, and that is never going to happen
-I miss being at "home" and having family around
-I dislike Scottish rain/wind/lack of warmth so much that I am frequently frustrated with our limited outdoor exposure (and that we do not have a dryer :))
-I get tired easily (Luke is my blood for sure) and overreact when tired
When one or all of these things build up in my heart, my mouth is bound to let loose. For instance, let's take yesterday. Luke has been waking up in a funk and has been very clingy the past few days (we go thru spurts where this is not true, I promise). His night time sleep has been interrupted, which means mine has, too. He is still not walking and only wants me at all times. I feel loved in my best moments and stifled at my worst as I think about what most 18-month-olds are doing (we call that comparison, ladies and gentlemen). Rebekah has been testing boundaries again, which I am told is quite normal at this age. Doesn't change the difficulty in it, though. She asks the same question over and over again, hoping for a better answer until I have to discipline her for not obeying the first time. She is also intentionally driving Luke nuts, but not maliciously, so it's tricky. it has been raining and gray nonstop. My washer broke on Friday, so the sopping wet clothes never fully dried and new laundry built up, including all the towels we used to sop up the rain leak in the bathroom- everything was musty. The washer was fixed on Monday morning and it was not raining, so I got every garment re-washed Monday and out to dry, which never happened b/c it's simply not warm enough, so I risked the 20% chance of rain overnight (which means of course it rained), and as I was tangled up with kids/life yesterday morning and was watching my clothes get wet again outside b/c i do not have the space to put it all indoors, it all got wrapped up in my head to the point that I was having difficulty breathing...I put on a movie for the kids and had a good cry...a really long, loud cry.
You see, everything that stresses me out normally was up a notch and all I could think about was a better situation...comparison. The study this week has been on contentment and how the tongue speaks from that (or lack thereof) and I realized these bad patterns I have of being discontent. It really isn't that having something better would lead to contentment- it's that I choose not to be content with what God has given me and allowed in my life, none of which is all that bad. And since I choose to focus on what I see as negative, my heart fills up with that and thus speaks my tongue. I come across as negative and difficult to please.
I don't have any real point here except to say that I am praying for God to work in my heart in this area. I found myself getting mentally worked up over something this evening and actually had the wisdom to change my thinking and I even tried to cite a verse. That is huge, right? :)
And the winner is….
9 years ago
11 comments:
extremely huge!thanks for the encouragement and vulnerability- what a challenge to the rest of us!
What a great post from your heart! I continue to pray for contentment for myself and for you. It is a hard thing to not get negative, especially when you're tired and the gray, wet, cold weather doesn't help, I'm sure. Hang in there and I know the Lord will bless your desires as you seek Him and are in His word.
Yes, HUGE! I would cry too if I couldn't just get my clothes dry for goodness sake! But then again, who needs clothes? You can all just run around the house in your diapers and underpants. You can't leave anyway in all the nasty weather. So grab some hot chocolate and air out.
Love ya Em. *BIG hug*
Your not alone in those feelings. Contentment is a hard thing to swallow sometimes. I struggle with that one A LOT as well. So thankful that you have that book study to help you along, and that you can be open and honest to share with someone like me, who also has those struggles.
Sleep well tonight my friend.
Love,
Derricca
I commend you for trying to change your heart in this area - and Im sure God will help you do it. I too am very guilty of comparing my life to others, and wishing for better. Maybe I need to read that book for myself. Thanks for the post - it really made me think.
I too am working at guarding my heart friend! I am doing a study (by myself) by Andy Stanley, you can get the links online for free :) The first three were guilt, jealousy, and greed... two more to come, but all from the verse in Proverbs... out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks... same Matthew verse... easier to talk about then put into practice! So thankful you have godly women around you to want to do a study like that with you!
Well done, Emily. Hang in there. Cherish the moments and the experience. It's a tough life, but you're doing a fantastic job. Believe it or not, one day your Aberdeen experience will be all over and you will actually catch yourself missing it . . . sniff, sniff. Keep up the good work and the soft & open heart. I will be remembering you in my prayers!!
Thank you for these powerful, heartfelt words. Self-reflection is never easy, especially doing it so openly for others to hear about. I fully identify with everything you've said most especially the comparison part. Know this, you are loved AS YOU ARE by our great God. Part of what you're feeling is having been gone from home so long. Your tired spirit will be refreshed by your upcoming trip. Lots of love to you in these dark, damp days.
Becky xxx
I totally understand and have sadly been asked the same thing by my tenderhearted children as well. I hate how our words hurt them. Will be lifting you up in prayer...I also have that book, but have never taken the time to read it. Will pull it off the shelf this afternoon. Thanks! :)
I'm with Becky--I'd cry, be irritable, etc too if I couldn't dry my clothes! You're doing such a great job living life in a totally different place from your other family members. The "meat" of what you're talking about is a good reminder to all of us so thank you.
Just know I think about you doing what I'm doing every day but on a much harder level and say a prayer for you!
Thanks for sharing on here and last night. All I have to say is, God is answering my prayers :) So encouraging as a leader to see that you are taking the lessons seriously and striving to be more like Christ. That's a huge first step! Love ya and will keep praying for you in these areas.
Post a Comment