Being intentional

Those of you who know me, really know, know that I don't like babies. That is what people say about me anyway. I have even found myself saying that. Truth be told, I love babies...but they come with a great deal of responsibility, no? And a ton of dying to self...ah, therein lies the rub. The whole dying to self thing is not my specialty. So, babies are a challenge for me- I have to set aside my need for crazy amounts of sleep (I often go to sleep before Josh, get up sometimes hours after he has gotten up with the kids and he'll still bless me with a much-needed nap- good man!!!!), alone time, friend time, and just general ability to plan. Aha- that's it right there- I hate being out of control. I am actually totally okay with short naps and weirdly timed feedings if I can know about them in advance. I have often thought that it sure would be nice to get a print-out that said, "Today, Rebekah will chat for 30 minutes and then sing for another 5 before drifting off for a 1 1/2 hr nap and Luke will sleep immediately, but then need his paci put back in after an hour, so it's probably not a good day to try to nap yourself." Tell me that and I'm golden. However, make me try to figure it out, whether R is going to sleep at all and if Luke is done or just needs help and I'm lost. So, that's what's hard for me about babies. I actually LOVE holding them, playing with them, singing to them by myself :), feeding them, reading to them....I just struggle with the clutch decisions and am praying to roll with it better...

Case in point- today was a challenge. Luke is great. Truly. I just love that kid. However, when sick (feels like a lot), he is not as smiley, not as mellow as his normal nature...go figure- I got his cold and I feel ready to punch someone. So, the last week has been hard b/c he is needier and Rebekah is still, well, Rebekah- all over the place and sure that she is the center of attention. So, today, Luke napped mediumish, but I got him up after determining that he was indeed done with sleeping and fed him a little early just to see what would happen (sacrilege for me)...and it all panned out.

Anyway, here's what I'm getting at- because Luke had only slept 1 1/2 hrs this am and 1 1/2 hrs this afternoon, he needed a 3rd nap- he always does actually. :) I was thinking about it all and trying to be more like my sis-in-law whom I deeply respect and love. She rolls with the punches and I am in awe of her love for her child. She doesn't care about schedules, she just wants to hang with Riley Jane. I felt convicted just thinking about it. Then, I started thinking some more. Poor Luke hardly ever gets quality time with me. He normally hangs out in his bouncy seat (yes, that's probably why he still doesn't sit well) and watches Rebekah wreak havoc. So, this evening, Rebekah actually went to bed first (I had to wake him from a 2-hr 3rd nap for crying out loud- why can't you sleep earlier and hang out with us then????) so he could eat again and not be up at 3am. Anyway, I actually got to spend uninterrupted time with Luke. It was marvelous. I think we both needed it. I realized lots of things. First, he's really handsome. Second, he is super-sweet. His smiles melt my heart. But I knew all that really. What was new was the genuine realization to cherish the time I have with him instead of being frustrated he's not doing what I wanted. Sometimes he's fussy b/c he needs to be held and there's nothing wrong with that. So, tonight we grinned at each other for a long while and I just simply enjoyed him. It was his best mood all day and I think we both needed it. The thing I'm walking away with is this: he needs just as much love and attention as his sister. I am praying to be more intentional with him, purposeful. It's easy to just run thru the day and not think about how you're really spending it.